Bittersweet Farwells

Well my desk is all packed up, my files are all in order, my out of office is on and Steve has been passed on to another colleague who is going to babysit him until I get back.

My time here on the show has come to an end and I am feeling rather sad.

What is numbing the pain is the champagne we're all drinking and the promise of more drinks to come.

Aw the joys of the numbing power of alcohol.

I'm away now in Cape Town until the end of year. I'm going to miss you guys a lot and please don't abandon me! I shall be back in the New Year with many new stories and adventures.

See you all soon!

Boredom is an evil tool

Miss M: I'm bored

Miss M's Imaginary Voice: Do some work

Miss M: I don't want to

Miss M's Imaginary Voice: Check your facebook

Miss M: Done that

Miss M's Imaginary Voice: Ponders for a moment I know, why don't you announce to everyone that (insert colleagues name) is shagging (insert other colleagues name)

Miss M: That would be quite cruel wouldn't it?

Miss M's Imaginary Voice: Nods But it would alleviate the boredom wouldn't it?

Miss M: True

Miss M's Imaginary Voice: Plus you've only got 1 day left ...

Miss M: She'd hate me though

Oh but how much fun it would be! Who thinks I should listen to my evil inner voice?

P.S: Jason has returned home and he hasn't called me. He has my number too. I think he's back with his girlfriend. Oh well, it obviously wasn't meant to be.

Feeling Blue

When I started on this show I was very derogatory and rude about the fake friendships that my colleagues all seemed to have. However after 3 months I've realised it isn't fake and that we have all become friends. We have personal jokes, spend the majority of the day laughing, eat lunch together and go out and get pissed together. Unfortunately I only have 2 more days left of this until my contract ends and I am on to pastures new.

I'm going to miss them. We've gone through so much together and have shared so many funny experiences that not seeing them every day seems like such a strange thought.

I know it probably won't continue, even though we are promising to meet up for lunch since we will still be working in the same company but somehow I just don't see it happening. We'll all bond with our new teams and hang out with them.

I hate this part, the saying "goodbye" time.

Maybe this time it'll be different ...

And the Prize for Most Stupid goes to ...

I've mentioned some of the stupid things that occur in television before - but today I heard 3 of the most hysterical incidents in production that have happened whilst filming.

Prepare to laugh yourself stupid over the human desire to make "The Perfect Show"

1) The health & safety supporter, let's call him Ed, who accidentally drove a car off a cliff to get the perfect shot.

- Seriously is it really worth it?!

2) The gentleman who must have asbestos hands who – for the benefit of good presenter relations and general all round arse-licking - proffered his palm so that The Lovely Presenter had somewhere to spit out a piping hot vol-au-van

- It touched my hand, I could sell it on ebay!!

3) And an un-named exec who – in order to keep a couple of contributors on side – reluctantly agreed to be filmed naked playing volleyball

- I'm speechless. Completely speechless.

So what do you think, worth doing to make a show?

I will leave you with this thought ...

We do incredible things for an incredibly worthy cause

The Watershed

On terrestrial television in England they have something called "The Watershed". This is put in place to ensure that nothing inappropriate is shown during the hours that children would be watching television. So you won't encounter any swearing, sex, overt violence or nudity before 9pm on any of the main terrestrial channels. Cable and digital are of course a completely different story ...

However sometimes people do tend to go a little overboard with what they perceive to be incorrect before The Watershed. I've read complaints of the words "bollocks", "bloody", two men waking up in bed with each other and a complaint about a perfume ad which the viewer decided was too suggestive. When are people going over the top? If the Watershed rules out everything that different people perceive to be "incorrect" or "indecent" what will we be left with to watch before 9pm? For the things that some people complain about I am surprised that they allow the News to be shown before 9pm. There is extensive violence, bloodshed and subject matter that children should see shown on that every single day.

My answer to people? Just don't watch it. If it insults you or you don't like it, please don't watch it.

My personal favourite at the moment of people deeming something inappropriate ...

"Hi , Ive never felt the need to make a complaint before about anything but the latest Sudafed
advertisement is in my opinion is in very poor taste to say the least . I have no idea why the makers of this advert felt the need to use the word " Snot " in their commercial , especially as everytime its shown my family and myself are usually eating. I find it utterly disgusting and im sure I am not on my own when I say this."

- I know, just don't watch it whilst you're eating!

What's wrong with the word "Snot" anyways?

1 Mojito, 2 Mojito ....

So last night was our wrap party for the show. Considering that most of our team are in Australia and that they are only 7 of us left in London it wasn't that raucous, however we did manage to go through £700 for the evening.

We discovered the best drink ever - Champagne Mojito's. Strong ones I might add, so you can imagine that after a couple the tongues were loosened and the claws were also coming out towards our absent colleagues.

Things I learnt last night:

1) Drinking 2 Mojito's followed by Champagne followed by white wine followed by liqueurs does not make you feel well on a Friday morning

2) Drunkenly informing your colleagues about your sex life is not forgotten about the next morning

3) The generous drunken offer to set up your colleague with a friend is not looking like the best idea in the cold sober light (I think I was trying to earn brownie points)

4) One of our fellow Co-Ordinators has been shagging one of the Producers on the show

5) 7 woman + copious amounts of alcohol = Loud, giggly and tactless entertainment

6) Saying how stupid it is when Creatives call a TV show a "Film" does not go down well with the Creative at the table. (Especially as she earlier was referring to "the films" she has made)

7) Informing your Production Manager that you won't be in to work until 1130am and then showing up at 945am scores you massive Brownie points

This was followed by an extended lunch this afternoon with 4 of us who then proceeded to slag off our counterparts in Australia.

Oh how I do love the fickleness of TV

P.S: Tonight is the final of the show and Jason is in the last 3. I don't think he is going to win but he shall soon be home for me to stalk.

I'm just too sexy for this blog

We had a couple of visitors in the office this morning - The Right Said Fred brothers. Who here remembers them?

I loved that song when I was a kid - we used to prance up and down miming the words - we really though it was just the coolest song ever. Unfortunately now I hear it, cringe and wish that I didn't know it, but such is life.

I do love the two of them though. When I met them at one of our previous shoots I just had the overwhelming desire to beg Richard to say it - I desperately wanted to hear him utter those words! I could just see the conversation unfolding in my head ...

Miss M: That shirt looks really good on you

Right Said Fred Brother: Thanks

Miss M: Tilts her head knowingly In fact it almost looks too good on you ...

Right Said Fred Brother: Umm ... ok, thanks

Miss M: Do you not feel too good in it?

Right Said Fred Brother: Worrying stare No ...

Miss M: Puppy dog eyes Oh come on, just say it!

Right Said Fred Brother: Say what?

Miss M: Stamps foot on the ground Please, please, please, just say it now!

Right Said Fred Brother: Backing away slowly I think I might need my bodyguards now

*Sighs*

It would have been beautiful though ...

P.S: Two more nights of J, but I think he might get voted off tonight. I am now slightly off him though, I saw him filing his nails on last nights show. No manly man is supposed to do a thing like that!

I'm baaaack!

Sorry to have been so quiet but I have been at home rather ill.

Actually I've been lying on my couch making vague croaking and moaning noises at whoever walked in the room in my desperate attempt to make contact with my housemates.

Miss M: Groan Muah firsty

Housemate: What was that?

Miss M: Gnee wadda

Housemate: Shame Miss M, you not feeling well?

Miss M: Pleading eyes WADDA PGWEASE!

So yes, today I made it back to work and had some rather good news in my email inbox. For any of you who follow my adventures you'll know that in a week or so I am out of a job and was rather panicked about it. Well I now officially have had my contract extended until mid February with the hopes of there being more after that. The stress is now over. I can have my holiday in Cape Town without the fear and panic of being unemployed!

Now if only people could understand what I was saying when I speak.

Unblock you damn nose! Unblock!

P.S: I only have 3 more days of watching Jason on TV, not sure what I'm going to do after that! Who thinks I should declare my undying love?

The Affects of Sweets on Colleagues

Silence in the office

Production Manager turns to us

Production Manager: I feel a bit weird

Silence ...

Production Manager: Just thought I'd share that

We all go back to work.

The giggles start again

Miss M: I'm never eating Haribo's again

Colleague 1: Ya right

Production Manager: Until Monday that is!

Maniacal laughter starts

Sugar, Sugar, Sugar, Sugar, Sugar!

We have a thing called "Friday Treats" in our office; it means that each Friday afternoon someone goes off and buys some sort of treat for the team to munch on - sometimes cake, sometimes chips/crisps or sweets.

Today the one Co-Ordinator came back with 2 packets of Haribo sweets which the four of us quickly scoffed down in record time.

15 minutes later a delivery of Haribo sweets arrived from some lovely company donating them to us (No idea why and I don't want to query in case they get taken away from us) and we've spent the past half an hour eating them. We have normal gummy sweets, sour sweets, strange animal shaped sweets and our person favourite - 30cm long worms that wiggle as you're eating them.

I feel ill.

We all have sugar highs and are giggling and bouncing around the office now.

We all feel ill.

But so good.

Ill.

But good.

Bring on the weekend!

P.S: I'm starting to realise that Jason isn't the smartest tool in the shed - but I'm willing to overlook it because he is just so damn gorgeous!

The Reality Television Awards

I have to thank Mr. R Rabbit for this as it has made my day.

Sometimes I wish that we could actually do this but then I might be out of a job in the future.

Aah, but it would be worth it ....

Go check out the rest of the cartoons - they're really good


P.S: I think I want to marry Jason

Overheard in the Office 2

One colleague to another on Ritchie from ex boyband 5Ive

Colleague 1: Ye, Ritchie was rather gorgeous

Colleague 2: Really? I never liked him in the band

Colleague 1: Well he is hot now, but his girlfriend was so plain

Colleague 2: No!

Colleague 1: I mean she seemed a nice person and all but I'm all about the looks

Colleague 2: Completely straight face Me too, I totally judge on looks as well

TV People are just the key to humanity aren't they?

Reality Dawns

One of the downers of working in television is that the jobs are not permanent, you are only contracted for as long as the show and after that you are out on the street looking for a new job. It's all about timing - as sometimes as your one show finishes up another one is starting that you can go onto - but usually you have to start mail bashing companies and beg for a new contract. Literally.

This morning it dawned on me that I have 3 weeks until my contract here finishes and I'm heading home to Cape Town on holiday. 3 weeks and I'm jobless. 3 weeks?! Least I have the holiday to look forward to but I'm not looking forward to finding a new contract in January.

It's stressful. I'm stressed out and really worried that there won't be anything around. I can't even start looking now to make myself feel better as no one knows what is happening in the new year quite yet. This is the first time in almost 2 years that I haven't had a new contract to move onto already in advance.

This industry is so unstable - is it really worth it? Or this time should I try and find myself an "adult job"?

P.s
Jason is growing a scruffy beard at the moment which I'm not sure that I like ... but he's still hot

For Amusement Value

- During the Rugby World Cup

"Viewer's letters complaining there is too much sport, which is replacing regular programming and the soaps. 'What are you thinking of putting b----- RUGBY on TV on Sunday evening prime time television?"

Hmm ... What was blocked out? ;) It it was football no one would be complaining!

- Regarding a popular Soap

"Dear Sir/Madam. The scene in which two homosexual perverts were kissing we found offensive, in fact disgusting. Most decent people in this country of all denominations, not just Christians, view this behaviour between consenting males as something better left behind closed doors and not shown on prime time TV. Despite what the law now allows we have not yet reached the stage when they can stop us believing what is right or wrong and having the freedom to speak these views. All you have achieved with your ridiculous and nauseating story line is to make sure we will never watch (The show) again as a family. Do you really want to end up with an ever decreasing audience or can you perhaps find some intelligent writers who are not so arrogant that they think the decent majority should be treated with contempt?"

Oh my, are we really such a prudish society that this riles people up to much?

- On an advert

This is my favourite actually

"Viewer complained 'Why does the advert only ever show a white person committing benefit fraud? It is not only white people who commit fraud. This is a racist advertisement'."

Definitely NOT South Africa hey? I've never seen someone complain on this side before ... Have you?

Do people not have anything better to do?

In England you can email to the channels if you have a compliment/query/complaint about a television show that you have watched on that specific channel if you wish to air it. This is called The Duty Log. I enjoy reading the duty log for entertainments sake because sometimes the things that people write are just hysterical.

However on my show I have become the contact for the Duty Office to mail all the complaints/compliments/queries to and the past couple of days have been spent finding out what a certain song is, where the celebrity got their dress and other mundane stupid things. There is one that has stuck out to me though and we've all been having a good giggle over -

"I write regarding your ad prior to the (show), which features a very high pitched whistle, this noise is terrifying our King Charles Dog Lady. At the moment we are having to sit to watch (The Channel) with the sound turned down, I don't think for one minute that we are alone with this problem, there must be other dogs out there suffering from your high pitched whistle please on behalf of Lady an all the other dogs STOP YOUR WHISTLE. P.S.You could be losing thousand of viewers over this + its so cruel."

Seriously? Is this person serious? Why can't they just mute the volume when they see this ad? Or better yet, who the fuck cares?! Seriously do people not have anything better to do with their time?!

P.S
Jason is getting even hotter

My name in lights

There is something about the thrill of seeing my name on television that I never can quite get over. I'm like a little child at Christmas waiting to see it and then bounce happily around the living room afterwards with the joy of receiving that long desired for present.

Last night was no different - I forced my poor housemates to watch with me and then texted about 20 people harping on about how wonderful it was. Actually the show was really good so they should have been watching it to begin with!

It got me to thinking about why I love seeing my name up there so much still. I mean it isn't the first show and it definitely won't be the last, but for some reason I get the same thrill every single time.

Perhaps it is because I still do not consider myself "cool" enough to be working in this industry. I was a total nerd all the way through school - I was not the most liked and in fact I struggled so much to become one of those "in crowd people" that they all just laughed at me. I think that seeing my name on the screen is like 2 fingers up to those super cool, beautiful, popular and well liked people and saying to them:

Who you are in school means jack shit in the real world - look at what I've accomplished and look at what you've managed.

If I could go back and redo it all I would just not care who my friends were for their popularity but more for their actual friendship.

By the way, Jason is just sooooo hot!

The Cat is Out of the Bag

So the show I work on officially announced the names of the "Celebs" which are taking part this year.
What has upset me though is that we have kept it secret for this long but apparently we have a leak within the team somewhere as yesterday one of the trashy newspapers printed the entire lineup correctly other than 2 people.

One of the people is Jason "J" Brown from the old boy band 5ive. Who remembers them? I LOVED them and J was just the hottest thing ever. Now let me tell you he still is. Wow that man is drop dead gorgeous. We've all been fighting over who gets the privilege of marrying him - the other Co-Ordinator and I are going to get in to a cat fight over him I swear.

Back to my original point though - we have a leak. I can honestly say that I would not have been able to sell the names to the newspapers. I've worked so hard on this show that I just couldn't. What type of person does it take to do that? You might get an awful lot of money but is it worth it? I couldn't live with myself.

Could you?

Jason is so hot.

*drool*

Is it time to go home yet?

In an industry where we all work so hard, put in many unpaid hours of overtime and usually work straight through our lunch break, what is the problem with actually leaving on time occasionally?

Yesterday I had a really slow day. There wasn't much to do and I wasn't feeling very productive so when the clock ticked closer to 6pm I started to get really excited about actually leaving on time and getting home before 7pm for once. But then I thought - does it look bad if I leave at 6pm on the dot? Should I wait around? What is the protocol?

We all seem to have this standoff round the time of 6pm as none of us want to be the first to leave because we think it looks bad; but if I'm not actually doing anything why can't I go? I usually end up working from 9am-8pm anyways so what's wrong with leaving on time every so often?

I felt guilty yesterday. I suddenly started thinking that this might look bad, that I might not get offered another contract, that my boss will think I'm a slacker and that I'm not working hard enough.

*slap*

Get over yourself Miss M! Work isn't the be all and end all, leave on time every so often!

I have a new toy!

I have been given the blow up kangaroo as a present.

He is now perched overlooking my desk.

I like him.

I shall call him Steve.

Steve the Kangaroo.

It has a certain ring to it.

His "penis" still bothers me somewhat but I am making peace with it. I am trying to figure out how to take him home with me. I could deflate him and then blow him up at the other end.

Actually this thought process is ending now.

Does being relatively famous turn you into a moron?

This is a question that has been plaguing me over the past couple of weeks. These so called "celebrities" that we are working with seem to be even more absurd than my creative team. In fact I must say that the Creative's have seemed like rational human beings of late and I have even grown relatively fond of them (This probably will fade with time but at the moment they're my new favourite people).

My latest least favourite person has moved from taxi idiot to the gentleman who was supposed to be travelling to London today - I say supposed to because so far this hasn't happened.

10am
Miss M changes his train ticket as he decides he can not get on the train he asked us to book

1pm
Miss M gets told that he missed the train we put him on

2pm
We find out that he didn't really miss it but just didn't want to get on it as now he is booked onto a 3pm train instead - even though if he had missed it he could have gotten on to the 2pm train!

Now this might all sound very trivial but we have a crew booked for filming with him this afternoon and we can not cancel a couple of hours before hand as they still charge us. He is costing us two filming days and in a situation where time really does equal money and where we need to get it filmed TODAY as tomorrow is already booked up he is now our least favourite person in the office.

I hate working with celebrities. Give me children and animals any day.

A Good Giggle

I found this really amusing.

Our most pushy contributor ever - so horrid that I feel the overwhelming urge to throttle her - just had her agent call in about a car that she is in at the moment which we apparently organised and it apparently isn't going in the correct direction.

Well that would be correct since WE DIDN'T ORDER HER ONE!

So basically she got in some random strangers town car and is now very confused.

Eh, she deserves it.

The insanity

Midday

Producer: Miss M, can you please set up our shoot for Monday. We need a call sheet put together

Miss M: Sure. Can you just email me the details and I'll figure everything out for you

Producer: We don't know yet.

Two O'clock

Miss M: Any ideas yet on those details?

Producer: Not yet, I'll let you know ASAP

Three O'clock

Miss M: Know them yet?

Producer: Nope

Four O'clock

Miss M: I'm still waiting

Producer: I know.

Quarter to Five

Miss M: Seriously guys, I need to know soon! These take about 2 or 3 hours to set up!!

Producer: We're not finalised.

So would someone please tell me how I am supposed to put a shoot together when

1) We don't have a location

2) We don't have an overnight hotel for the celeb

3) We don't have crew

4) We don't know any times

I'm not a miracle worker people!

Lights, Glamour and Celebs

People find it very strange that I work on a show which is filled with celebs but that I don't actually have a clue who any of them are.

Today my colleagues gave me so much flack because I did not know who the celebrity they were talking about was. I even googled her and the face is triggering no memories.

Apparently since I've lived here for 2 and a half years I should recognise all of the d-list celebs that are talked about in the stupid newspapers over here. Can I help the fact that I do not like reading things like The Sun or The Daily Mirror? Would it make me do my job any better if I did recognise them?

On the same vein last night I saw the following celebrities coming into the building for "An Audience with Celine Dion" - you guys tell me if you recognise the names of anyof them

1) Louis Walsh

2) Shane Ward

3) Gaz (from 2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps)

4) Stephen Gately

5) Nicky and Kian from Westlife

6) Graham Norton

7) Carol Thatcher

Do YOU know them?

Today I did see Heather Mills-McCartney - that woman is completely insane.

HOORAY!

Quick update on Mr. Plett

THEY GOT THE VISAS!

Mr. Plett is now out of our hands and now the problem of our team across the ocean.

Fantastic

I'm just so cool

I can not believe what I managed to do this afternoon. I'm just so cool.

My colleague and I snuck into Celine Dion's rehearsal in the studio's for this evenings show. We watched her sing, standing on the stage without any makeup, before we got kicked out.

Security: Do you have a crew pass?

Miss M: Excuse me?

Security: Do you have a crew pass?

Colleague: I'm sorry I can't quite hear you

Security: *getting impatient* Do the two of you have crew passes?

Miss M: Crew passes?

Security: You need crew passes to be standing here

Colleague: Oh, no we don't

Security: The two of you will have to leave

Miss M: Damn.

Hey, we managed to stall him for a further 30 seconds to a minute pretending we couldn't understand him.

We did manage to see the Diva herself though and she sounds beautiful!

Mr. Plett strikes again

So I came into the office this morning after a busy weekend and as soon as I sat down my phone rang

Miss M: Hello Miss Miss speaking

Mr. Plett: Hi Miss M, I'm just calling because we have a slight problem

Miss M: *warily* Slight problem?

Mr. Plett: Our visa's haven't arrived yet this morning so we can't leave on the plane this afternoon

Miss M: *shit* Ok, when our Travel Co-Ordinator spoke to you on Friday she said you said everything was fine?

Mr. Plett: It was, we thought our visa's were coming through this morning.

Miss M: So we need to change your flights? We'll look into it. Have you contacted the embassy?

Mr. Plett: We're working on it. Everything will be fine we just need to change the flights.

The entire office starts cursing all South Africans

Does this man not realise how expensive and difficult it is to change International flights 5 hours before people are supposed to depart? Would calling us earlier have been better? Would us knowing on Friday that the visa's weren't there yet have been a good thing?

Seriously, how can someone be THIS chilled out?

Just so chilled

I thought I'd give you an update on the wonderfully laid back gentleman living in Plettenberg Bay. His colleagues fly out on Monday morning and we have 2 days to sort out their excess baggage so today I was urgently trying to contact him. I phoned him about 5 times and he didn't answer his phone. Messages went something along the lines of this

1) 10am - Hi it's Miss M, can you call back on *** I just need to talk to you about your luggage

2) 12pm - It's Miss M again, please can you call me back as soon as possible I really need to discuss the excess baggage requirements

3) 2pm - Hi it's Miss M. PLEASE PLEASE call me back ASAP as we are running out of time with the travel agent to sort this out. My number is ***

4) 4pm - Miss M again. This really is important, please call me back otherwise we might not be able to get the luggage over to Australia. Thank you

Eventually he answers the phone at 730pm his time

Specialist: Hi

Miss M: Oh thank goodness, I've been trying to get a hold of you all day

Specialist: Oh hi Miss M, how are you?

Miss M: I'm fine, did you not get my messages?

Specialist: Oh I did, I just didn't realise you wanted to me call you back right away

AARRRGGG!!! Well I eventually did manage to sort it out and thankfully he is going to be able to take the equipment with them on the plane.

I love people who just don't realise how serious TV is

Bugger

Now is one of the moments where I hate my job.

I'm supposed to be going out on a date tonight but I have no clue when I'm leaving work. I can't give an exact time, I have no idea. Perhaps I should just cancel.

Grr

Whoopsies, what a mess up

Today I thought that I would focus on the mistakes and fuck ups that I have incurred in this wonderful industry. These range from

1) Oversleeping and missing collecting the crew

2) Almost having contributors miss their flight as I got the times incorrect

3) Purchasing some expensive flights to Berlin and then realising that I bought them for the wrong day. The airline didn't have a refund system.

But ultimately I think that the worst fuck up that I managed to do is the following.

I was working for a very well known Celebrity Chef on his latest show and we were dealing with some sensitive footage that the lawyers were checking over to make sure they could air it. I was responsible for couriering the footage to the lawyer and she asked me to send it to her home address with permission to post through the door.

I did this.

The next day she called me up asking where the DVD was as she never received it. The courier company said that they'd delivered it. Turns out I sent it to the wrong house. Panic stations. Imagine if the press got hold of an unaired show of his without the correct editing? Oh my god. I seriously thought I was going to be fired and ostracised from the industry. I even went round to the address it was delivered at but could never get hold of the people there. For weeks I lived in fear of reading about it in the newspaper but thankfully I never did.

We never did tell him or the Exec.

Polly says what?!

I know that this is not something that I have experienced but I thought that it was far too funny and surreal not to pass on to you all.

Last night, whilst still at work at 745pm, our team and I were exchanging amusing stories from other shows when one of my Production colleagues told me about her experience with a rather helpless Producer.

Let me set the scene

It's 1am in London, lying in a bed fast asleep dreaming the wonderful dream of her team being away on location in LA is our Co-ordinator. Suddenly her mobile phone loudly rings interrupting her peaceful sleep.

Co-Ordinator: (Groggily) Hello?

Producer: The lift's not working

Co-Ordintaor: Excuse me?

Producer: I'm at the hotel and the lift isn't working

Co-Ordinator: (Extremely confused) The hotel in LA?

Producer: (Exasperated) Yes!

I shit you not. This conversation really occurred. I don't really know what the Producer wanted her to do but it is amusing none the less.

One more thing

Exciting news - we moved desks this morning and I have an even better view and ... wait for it ... A RADIO on my desk!!!

This means of course that I'm listening to music whilst doing my call sheet and happily singing along. Now I do not have the best voice on earth so I think I'm torturing my colleagues.

It's alright though, they're English and deserve it ;)

Oh the joy

We won, we won, we won, we won, we won!

And it was not a try. If I hear one more of my colleagues discuss "The Try that Never Was" I shall seriously slap one of them.

The English are such sore losers. They're trying to instigate that we only won because their try was disallowed. Such a load of rubbish. His foot was on the line before he touched the ball down! Stupid English.

Well they can not take away the glory and the fact that we are World Champions by our sheer hard work.

Speaking of hard work my day is shaping up to be another one like Friday. We're filming none stop this week and there is a lot to set up for these shoots. I am stuck in call sheet hell.

For those of you who do not know what a call sheet is, it is a lovely word document with every single piece of information that the lovely Creative crew could ever need; from references for their taxis to the nearest A&E to where they are filming. These documents take forever to put together as the information is constantly changing and we are constantly tweaking them. They are bane of the Producton teams life but there really is no better feeling than putting the shoot together, handing the call sheet over and watching it run so smoothly that you just have to pat yourself on the back.

Unfortunately this morning didn't run too smoothly. Our travel agent gave us the wrong references for the train tickets ergo crew didn't get on the correct train which means that we are over an hour behind schedule which messes with everything as now Cameraman have to be paid overtime and the talent is all pissed off as they've organised their day around this too.

And people wonder why I'm so anal about time and sticking to the schedule!

I do love my job

I realised earlier today that I might actually give my job and my industry a bad name with all of my complaining. This is not the case at all. I do love my job, in fact every single day I realise how lucky I am to actually be working in this industry and be making a name and path through it.

How many other people get to work in an industry which is so flexible and entertaining? Every single day is different and I get to do such a range of things. One day I might be doing boring paperwork in the office but the next day I could be out at some strange location making sure everything runs smoothly on the shoot. I've gotten to travel around England and I've met some amazing people with whom I've developed good friendships. Here are some of the perks of my job

1) We start at 10am. Being in the office at 9/930am is considered early

2) There is no set dress code, the wackier the outfit the more acceptable it is

3) We're all loud, funny and generally laugh our way through work - there is no silence in this office

4) Celeb spotting is a sport

5) Liquid lunches and extended lunch breaks happen all too often

6) We travel an awful lot to shoots and all the expenses get covered

7) Saying where you work for opens up many doors and the offer of free goodies

8) People get jealous when you tell them what you do for a living and they think that you're way cooler than you actually are

9) I'm constantly changing companies and there is no fear of people thinking that my CV is "bitsy" - in fact the more companies you work for the more people respect you

10) When I type frenetically at my blog people actually think I'm working

Seriously people, I love my job

It's just TV

I absolutely love talking to someone who has no comprehension on the high stress levels and urgency of the television world. It really reminds me of the fact television is not on the same level of heart surgery and that no one will die if we do not get that perfect shot in the next hour.

This afternoon I had a joy of speaking to a specialist from South Africa who's expertise we are using in our show. He hails from Plettenberg Bay and is typical in that wonderful laid back chilled manner that they all have. No matter how many messages I leave with him, how many emails I send him he just does not respond in the immediate way that most people do because, to him, it is not that important because there are still a couple of weeks left till he needs to leave.

Miss M: Can you please confirm the weight of your excess baggage so we can get the forms through to the airline?

Specialist: Well it will be in the range of 80kg's

Miss M: Ok, so if we clear that amount it should be fine

Specialist: Well it might go up to 120kg's but that won't be a problem to clear just before

Miss M: Is it going to be 80kg's or 120kg's?

Specialist: Oh I don't know, either or

Miss M: Ok, how about I just say it will be 120kg's to avoid all problems?

Specialist: Sure, if you want to. I'm sure it won't be a problem

Miss M: Ok, can you tell me the dimensions?

Specialist: I'm not sure yet, we'll pack them up next week and I'll let you know just before we fly

Miss M: But I need to know now!

Specialist: But why, we aren't flying yet ...

Miss M: We want to sort everything out

Still not sure on the dimensions, don't know if he'll ever tell me. But I do enjoy our chats because it does remind me that my job is not the be all and end all ...

Despair

It's 1840pm and I'm still sitting at my desk with a list of tasks so long I can't see the end in sight. I'm tired, grouchy and above all desperately hungry because I don't even remember eating lunch.

The question is: Do I go home now and start tomorrow with a list already 20 items long or do I stay later and complete them?

I wish I knew the answer.

What the?!

Monday mornings are never the best place for me and this morning was especially bad. After getting myself way too worked up from last nights rugby match (GO SOUTH AFRICA GO!) I couldn't sleep properly and this morning I felt like I was only functioning on reserve cylinders.

So after eventually dragging myself to work I walked into the office and noticed the most bizarre item. We have a blowup kangaroo wearing a spiked dog collar chain at the far end of the office. Now if that wasn't weird enough the kangaroo also has a "baby kangaroo" sticking out of it's stomach but the manufacturing company didn't place it correctly so unfortunately it looks as if the kangaroo has a baby shaped penis which bobs up and down. It is thoroughly disturbing and it keeps looking at me with the coy smile it has plastered across it's face.

Apparently someone sent it over to us as a present. Do they not like us?

Friday's are not always the best day

Today is a truly stressful day. It isn't that I have one massive major thing to do it is just that people keep coming up to me and asking me to do a small favour for them. Now usually that is all fine, but when you have 10 small favours on top of the other things that you need to do it becomes terribly stressful and a major panic on my behalf.

Today's favours have ranged from

1) Putting a purchase order through
2) Setting up an emergency log in for a new starter
3) Getting parcels couriered out for tomorrow as there is a postal strike at the moment
4) Logging tapes that are going to Australia on Monday
5) Buying contact lens solution to send to Australia (they don't have the same brand)
6) Phoning South Africa to find out about excess baggage
7) Collecting tapes from VTR library
8) Photocopying a file for our BIG BIG BIG boss

These are all small basic things but on top of the work I already have to do I think I'm going to lose my mind. At the moment I sometimes don't even have the time to go to the toilet, or I forget as there is just so much other stuff going on and then suddenly it's like OMIGOD I NEED TO PEE!!

Speaking of which ...

Excuse Me?

Emailed received this afternoon

Hi Miss M

Can you order some A4 notebooks with hard spines for the Prod Manager in Australia please. I'm going on Monday and can take them with me. She doesn't like the ones they have there - spiral spines and all.

Thanks!

Excuse me? Do they not sell stationary in Australia? Why can she not get them there? HOW STUPID!!!

Crap Jobs

After a comment from Sugar about a shit job role she had in TV I decided to have a think and list all of the crappy and stupid things I did as a runner a few years ago. Sometimes there were perks though.

1) Come to work at 630am to fill the metre on a car parked outside of our office so we didn't get a ticket. I still had to work until the normal time at the end of the day

2) Assist rugby tackling a wife (Wife Swap) as she tried to run down a hotel corridor. She didn't want to do it any longer and was trying to "escape" but we couldn't let her leave as we were in the middle of nowhere and needed to organise and go through the correct people. Not as bad as it sounds.

3) Drive around the English Countryside at sunrise attempting to find road kill

4) Buy lunches for half of London

5) Clean up after lazy, messy Creatives who are too self important to do it themselves

6) Put lunch together for Jamie Oliver. That was nerve wracking as I'd only starting working for him

7) Act as a Chauffeur for talent on numerous shows

8) Get to party in the Green Room at The British Comedy Awards after working my arse off all evening

9) Wheel a life size cut out of a Zebu down a main road between our offices

10) Sit for a week in a back room of a store waiting to catch Shoplifters on camera. We didn't and it was boring. Especially as the Director had BO

11) Sleep on a couch for 3 hours a night for 12 days and drive talent around during the day. I almost killed us all but nearly got fired for complaining.

TV is so glamorous isn't it?

The Perks

My life can be very surreal sometimes.

This evening, as I leave work, I get to walk down a red carpet with fans crushed against barriers outside of our office. A show is being filmed here tonight in the studios and the front to our office has been turned into a regal entrance for celebrities and "special people". Unfortunately as staff we need to leave that way so for a moment in time I get to feel famous and bask in the cries of adoring fans and flashing cameras.

I wish I'd worn my good clothes today. I might go put on some makeup - you never know who you might see.

Fairytale Morning

If my life was a fairytale - or even a romantic film - this morning on the bus I would have been crammed up against a gorgeous male who would look into my eyes, smile softly and beg me to go out for dinner with him to a fancy restaurant.

Instead this morning I was rammed up against a sixty year old, slightly smelly Indian man who insisted on watching me with a slight leer to his expression which has left me thoroughly creeped out. In fact he has made me feel so dirty that I just want to go home, shower again and then start the day from scratch.

The worst part is, I think I felt him touch my ass as I left the bus.

So who would you be in TV?

MY PERSONAL DEFINITIONS

Runner - A personal slave for the entire office. One can get these poor souls to do anything from making tea to checking if electricity is indeed flowing through that wire. Runners love anyone who makes them feel included. Make friends with a Runner and you're set with tea, coffee and snacks for the rest of the show!

Junior Researcher - A sneaky title given to a Runner so that they feel they are slightly more superior. These "runners" assist the main Researcher in programme developing but will also be expected to make tea and run errands. However they tend to get a little "big for their boots" with the title and look their nose down at basic jobs. I dislike the tossers as a rule.

Researcher - Assist the AP in finding contributors. (reality shows) Researchers are hard working bastards who do not get enough credit as it invariably goes to the AP.

AP - There is an argument here as to whether this stands for Assistant Producer or Associate Producer. Depending on how up their own arse the AP is will depend on what they call themselves. I just saying AP to avoid insulting a delicate ego. These lovely people do everything from finding contributors, locations, liaising with contributors to writing scripts. They are the down to earth voice of the Director and are usually easier to communicate with. You want to know shooting schedules or what is actually happening - speak to the AP

Production Secretary - The support for the Co-Ordinator. However on most shows they either don't have Secretaries or have the Secretaries doing the Co-ordinators job but only getting paid their own rate. TV is all about screwing over the little person.

Production Co-Ordinator - We get to organise everything from shoot days, finding crew, pre production, post production, archive material, copyright issues to handling the money of the show. You've got to love organising and constantly know what is going on. We're the mothers and they're the children.

Production Manager - The Big Mothers. These hardworking people control the budget, agree to give team members money, maintain health and safety, make sure that compliance is met and basically control the production expenditure. This job involves staring at the budget and excel documents until your head hurts. I'm not 100% that I actually want to get to that position!

Director - You get 2 types of Directors; the "Oh I'm making a deep and powerful film" Director and the "Let's get this show on the road and make the best programme ever" Director. The unitiated might not see the difference but trust me you don't ever want to come across the 1st type. They take their job way to seriously and actually think that we are offering society something more than a stupid television show that people will forget 2 minutes after watching. Seriously, get a grip.

Producer - Usually this roll is combined with the Director in Television. It means that you have the added responsibility of working with the Production Manager in controlling the budget but also want to spend obscene amounts of money making the "film" look beautiful. I think these people have a sort of Jekyll and Hyde type of personality.

Executive Producer - They waft in perhaps once a week, make sure that everything is running smoothly and according to plan and then waft out. Come the final product they bitch and moan about the cost and then comment about how beautiful the "film" is and how the public is going to be in awe of the artist creation. They then take all of the credit.

All people who do any of these roles are - as a rule - over bearing, loud, too cool for school, up their own arse, up other people's arse and generally your typical creative type.

Minus the Secretaries, Co-Ordinators and Managers. I only have time for them.

What a job

In my job I really do get to do some strange things and very often I don't even get told the reason as to why I'm doing the specific task. Since we're not involved in developing the actual show we tend to be kept in the dark for as long as possible up until the point of actually having to make it happen. Here is an example of a task I recently had to do.

Miss M desperately trying to do 7 things at once before the end of the day

Line Manager: Miss M, would you like to do a really fun task for me?

Looks up very warily

Miss M: Suuuuuuure ....

Usually when someone says "fun" I immediately get worried as it tends to be completely arbitrary and takes a lot of effort.

Line Manager: Can you please look into finding any footage from past programs on television of anyone being shot out of a cannon

Miss M: Shot out of a cannon?

Line Manager: Yes, as in an human cannonball.

Miss M: Oookaaay ...

Line Manager: But can you please make sure that they are untrained people, preferably members of the public who do not do this as a profession.

You don't ask for much do you?

In the Fastlane going Slow

After finishing work at another ungodly hour last night a thought crossed my mind - which would I rather be doing, Working to Live or Living to Work?

In this industry we work such long hours - a normal day is probably in the region of 12 hours when in Production - and the job demands that you put it first above any else that might be happening in your life. This means that your partners, friends, laundry, house cleaning, socialising or just about anything gets put on hold or just never done. It's exhausting. When I'm at work all I'm thinking about is work and when I'm home I'm worrying that I haven't done something and that the shit will hit the fan the following morning.

Am I built for this? I'm only 24 but is this intense work load and lack of socialising hindering my opportunities to meet someone? I look over the office and only 2 of our team are married and less than 40% are in a relationship. None have children and some of the directors barely ever see their partner. Is this something that I want?

I've always been ambitious and I really want to go far in my career but I also want to settle down and have a family - I want the 2 or 3 children, big house, baking goodies in the big farm kitchen and dancing around the garden in wellies and a nightdress. (strange dream I have)

Do you think it's possible for me to have both in this industry? Or am I travelling really slow in this incredibly stressful fastlane?

Byeeeeeeeeeeee

This is dedicated to my poor long suffering housemate who is leaving us today and heading back to the world of Cape Town whilst waiting for his visa to come through.

Come home Fligela, come home!

Pure Frustration

Colleague: Hey Miss M, you know that laptop we sent Marty off with? Well they can't connect to any printers in the Australia office without our IT administration password so can you get it from IT and send it to Marty, this is very urgent.

oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck

Miss M: Sure, I'll call IT now

oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck

Miss M calls IT

Miss M: Hey, you remember that laptop you set up for Marty, well he needs to add a printer to it and we need the administrator password. Can I please get it from you so he can print?

IT: I'm sorry Miss M but we can't give out the password.

Miss M: Ok, so what do we do? He needs to add a printer

IT: Well without the password he can't.

Miss M: And you won't give me the password?

IT: No.

Miss M: But he needs to add a printer

IT: He can't without the password.

Miss M: Well I need the password then

IT: We can't give it to you

FOR FUCKS SAKE!

This conversation went on for almost 2 hours with different people.

The outcome? We can't set up Marty with a printer.

Overheard in the Office

From across the office I hear a telephone conversation

Producer: I need to find a country that has endangered species

Producer: Okay, but I want a more exotic one. Somewhere in Africa perhaps?

Producer: No but those animals could also be found in the UK

Producer: Okay that's getting better but we need it to be a really exotic creature in a country that will make people go "wow that's extreme"

Producer: Well have a think and make me up a list of all of the endangered species around Africa/South America/The Far East and I'll make a decision.

I've got an idea love, how about you find a creature you think works in a country that is perfect and then kill off the majority of them. That might be the easier route.

A Chance Meeting

A tube ride on Saturday led to a really strange chance meeting with a girl who was at university with me. One of those situations where I wasn't really friends with her but knew her through other people - couldn't even remember her name when I saw her. She, however, was really strange.

Miss M on a over crowded tube rammed up against a bunch of strangers

Miss M: Hey, how you? Strange to see you here

Strange Girl: Yes, I'm not supposed to run into people I know on the tube!

Miss M: I'm sorry about that

Trust me honey if I could have avoided saying hi I would have

*silence*

Strange girl pokes the guy standing next to her

Strange Girl: Introduce yourself!

Man: Hi, I'm P

Miss M: Nice to meet you, I'm Miss M

Strange Girl: That's my HUSBAND!

Miss M: Ooookaaayyy, good to know ... Well this is my stop. Bye.

How completely random. Was she pointing out to me that she had managed to get married and how cool she was because of it? Was she trying to make me feel jealous, because he really wasn't anything special. What on earth. Is he some sort of appendage that she feels she has to show to everyone? It isn't like he's jewellery or anything honey!

Strange Behaviour

This morning an Executive Producer brought a baby into our office. Big mistake.

Have you ever seen a flock of seagulls rushing over to claim a piece of bread which has been thrown to them? Well this resembled that very scenario. Woman screeching, woman grabbing, some more screeching and the poor baby being passed around whilst these woman shower it with love and affection.

The part that interested me the most however was after the baby had left the building, the conversations between the woman who moments before had all lost ability to communicate in human speech and resorted to the lowest form of baby talk.

Colleague 1: He wasn't very cute was he?

Colleague 2: I never know what to do with babies, they just sit there.

Colleague 3: You wouldn't be able to work with one would you?

Colleague 4: I don't know, I think that you could. You'd definitely have a nanny to take care of the child, I mean I couldn't do it myself.

Colleague 2: I don't think that I want children, I just wouldn't want anything to interfere in the lifestyle I have now. Reg and I can spend our hard earned money as we please and don't need to worry about supporting anything. Plus holidays would be hard with a kid.

From what I gather TV Creative woman aren't very maternal, or else they are just so career obsessed that a child seems to be a hindrance. The level of sucking up to the Exec made me laugh though because they were fawning over the kid like it was the second coming of Jesus - I wonder if the Exec has a Nanny?

Such a Klutz

I embarrassed myself severely this morning.

Was feeling too lazy to walk into Wombletown so when I saw the bus this morning I ran for it before it rudely left without me. I reached it in time but as I stepped onto it something went wrong with my co-ordination and I fell flat on my face into the bus.

Driver: Concern etched on his face Are you alright?

Miss M: Picks herself back up again Ye, ye, I'm fine. Nothing to worry about

Taps her Oyster Card and moves into the bus

Passenger 1: Are you okay?

Miss M: Fine thanks

Passenger 2: Shame that looked sore, you sure you're fine?

Miss M: Really I'm alright, wasn't as bad as it looked

Passenger 3: That looked like it hurt, you ok?

Miss M: Yes.

Passenger 4: Didn't break anything did you?

Miss M: Narrows her eyes No I didn't.

For crying out loud! The bus isn't that big, can't you hear the very first time I'M FINE THANK YOU VERY MUCH

As if it wasn't humiliating enough there was the most gorgeous guy standing on the bus who smirked at me.

Bleh.

Overheard in the Elevator 3

Just minding my own business making my way to my floor when ...

Male 1: Show going well?

Male 2: Ye, going really well thanks

Male 1: Got any shoots coming up?

Male 2: Got one tomorrow actually, we're filming a birth in an airplane. Lots of blood. Should be good.

Male 1: Wicked

Male 2: Though we've got some actors coming in for 1 liners, hopefully they won't say too much

Male 1: Mmmhh

Miss M gets off at her floor

Blood? I wonder how they reenact that ...

Director: Okay, we need to see lots of blood gushing now, can someone please bring on the actor and make sure she is bleeding enough. If not would someone please make the incisions deeper, I need to see lots of blood people! Work with me here!

Haha, I wouldn't put that past some TV directors.

Colleague Entertainment

So yesterday my colleague took a big step in her personal life. She has been seeing this guy for about 7 weeks and yesterday she changed her facebook status to “in a relationship”. Now I don’t know how many of you use facebook but I swear that program has opened up whole new relationship stress that none of us needs. Within 10 minutes of her doing so she received about 6 wall posts and further messages from people demanding to know what/where/who/why. She even received a message from said guy’s housemate going “oh wow, so you guys are official now, I didn’t know that, congratulations”. This was proceeded by complete panic stations from the colleague as the sudden worry that perhaps the said guy didn't assume they were in a relationship.

Colleague: We've been seeing each other for about 7 weeks now, and spent a couple of full weekends together, what does that mean?

Miss M: *talks without thinking* Well have you had THE DISCUSSION?

Colleague: Oh my god, no not really. Do you think he doesn't think we're in a relationship? I mean if he did think we were I'm sure he would have told the housemate. What if he doesn't think we are and I've just posted it for the world? Oh my god, he might dump me. But can he dump me if we're not together? Are we together?

Miss M: Breathe, didn't he say you're coming to his family lunch in a couple of weeks? That's relationshippy

Colleague: You're right. You wouldn't invite a random shag to a family event. Wow, I'm going to meet the family, that's big.

Miss M: Well that clears it up.

*tries to do her work*

Colleague: But what if he didn't want people to know we were together?

Miss M: Why would he want that?

Colleague: Because we're not dating?

Miss M: But if you weren't why would he want you to meet his parents?

*attempts to slit her wrists with the plastic knife from lunch*

Damn facebook for getting me involved in my colleagues lives. Okay so it was rather entertaining.

They apparently had THE DISCUSSION last night and they are in a relationship and he was fine about the facebook status. He did however say "Check with me before you change it to married ok?"

That opened up a whole new can of worms today let me tell you!

Conversation 6

I was lucky enough today to be party to a new game that TV people seem to be playing at the moment.

Miss M innocently sitting and eating her lunch in the cafeteria with a few people from another show

Colleague 1: Right, perfume or pop rock candy?

Colleague 2: Oh man! Either of those are terrible!

Colleague 1: Well you have to choose. If you were being tortured* which of the two would you prefer?

Colleague 2: Umm ... hmm .. ok ... umm ... I'm going to go for the pop rock.

Laughter all round

Colleague 2: Ok, now which would you prefer; sharp stick or a heated up rock?

Colleague 1: That's just cruel!

Colleague 2: Choose!

Colleague 1: Sharp stick.

Ok, now can anyone guess what game they're playing?

Didn't think so.

It's called: What Would You Rather Have Stuck in Your Eye?

*Can anyone think of a form of torture where they stick either of those items in your eye?! Would be a fantastic new one though
Man: No, not the poprock! I can't take the popping noise! Noo!!!! I give in! I'll tell you all my secrets! Just not the poprock!

Dirty Little Secret

So at the moment I am working on a very well known, high profile English reality show which you can pretty much guarantee everyone in the UK knows - except I've never watched it in my life. I can not decide if this is good or bad, in fact most of the shows that we make I don't want watch and for some reason I feel really guilty about it, like I am not supporting my company or something like that.

I lie too.

Production Manager: Did you watch the finale of x last night?

Miss M: Bits and pieces, I was cooking dinner through it

Production Manager: Can you believe x won?

Miss M: I KNOW! How brilliant was that

Thinking to herself - I have no idea who you're talking about

Production Manager: It wasn't as good as previous years but I think it still was very enjoyable.

Miss M: Definitely, I watched the last one but couldn't really get into this one

Liar liar pants on fire, you've never watched a full episode, probably about 3 minutes once and then you got bored

With my new show I don't know when is the right time to tell someone that I have never actually watched an episode, or even a few minutes out of one. I lied in my interview too.

Miss M: I love this show so much, it would be fantastic to work on, a real opportunity to help make a show that I love and religiously watch! (I did do some research into it in case they tried to trick with me with questions)

Translation: Hmm ... maybe this year I won't completely take the piss out of it but I sure as hell won't be watching!

Maybe it is because I always seem to end up working on reality shows and for me those are the worst shows on television to watch so I avoid them all like the plague. Maybe I always end up on them as the British public like them so much that most shows made here are reality based somehow.

Maybe it will work in my favour as I won't be all star struck with the celebrities on the show.

Maybe I'll have to eventually let my little dirty secret out.

Maybe I'll just fake it for the entire run of the show ...

Drawing a blank

Today someone added me as a friend on facebook; now I have a rule where I won't accept you unless I know you so I emailed her and asked where I knew her from. I got a reply telling me that she went to primary school with me and then the last two years of high school and how can I not remember her.

I can't.

I am drawing a total blank. Complete and total blank.

I feel like such a bad person but was she so unmemorable that my brain has just decided that I never knew her? How can I completely forget someone? And it was only 7 years ago! Am I getting old? What is going on here?

Tears her hair out

Conversation 5

I have this truly terrible habit of only half listening to people, or tuning in to conversations at the incorrect and inopportune moment - as demonstrated below

Miss M vaguely doing some work whilst her colleagues natter around her

Colleague 1: I'd get to have sex and make money, could it get any better?

Miss M: Umm ... I've missed something here haven't I?

Sticks her head back into her work and decides to leave her colleagues to discuss become prostitutes. That is almost as mad as snorting vodka!

Urban Slang

I learnt two new things today which will leave me forever scarred. I do pride myself on being kept up to date on "the lingo" but there are just some things that either slip right past me or I ignore blatantly in the hopes that I never accidentally discover them, or if I do I can pretend that I never knew about them.

The Amazing Madam Zelka ruined that for me today and opened my eyes to two things I need not ever have known about.

Salad Tossing
To Toss someones salad is to explore the anal cavity (clean or dirty) whatever your fancy, and gyrate your tongue is a circular licking motion in on, and around the anus, rimming with such affection in the "Salad" - hence the term "Toss my Salad"

London Fog Horn
When a woman is preforming the art of "salad tossing" and one's self relieves himself by releasing an excrement of his own natural gas (farts) into her mouth. Usually preforming the London Fog Horn will leave the recipient in an irate state of mind and has been know to lead to a violent reaction.

Words have failed me.

Why?! Why?! Why?!

Conversation 4

Colleague 1: I swear my friends think that all we do all is drink vodka and snort coke

Colleague 2: Well we don't do it ALL the time

Colleague 1: I know! But try to explain that to them

Miss M: How about drinking coke and snorting vodka?

*silence*

Colleague 1: I wonder what that would be like?

Miss M: I'll buy the vodka and you can snort it

Colleague 2: Hmmmm

Colleague 1: It is Friday!

Miss M: You guys are sick ....

Insult

I got insulted by an elevator today. It told me I was fat.

All I did was try and enter the lift to go and get some lunch but no, on the screen it said OVERLOADED - TOO HEAVY as soon as I entered and refused to move. Everyone stared at me and I swear the lift sniggered. After 3 seconds of silence (which felt like 3 hours) I stepped out of the lift and there was an audible sigh of relief as the doors shut and the lift moved on.

I could still hear it laughing at me.

It brought all those memories of being insulted by my cellphone when I was 18; whenever I looked at the screen it plastered the word VIRGIN on it for all to see. And people wonder why I didn't just lose my virginity but eradicated it instead. It was all that name calling from the cellphone.

Fakeships part 2

This morning our fakeships went one step too far.

Miss M gets up from her desk

Miss M: Just popping to the loo

Fakefriend: Oh I need to go too; hold up a sec

Miss M: Ooookkaaaayyy

Fleeting panic accross her face as they walk towards the toilet together. As they get inside and enter their respective cubicles Miss M prays that they stop talking, but are her prayers answered?

Fakefriend: Blah blah blah blah blah blah

Miss M: uh huh

Fakefriend: Blah blah blah blah blah

Miss M: Ya ....

And so it continued until they returned to their desk

Now I don't know about you guys but I get stage fright and seem to be incapable of peeing when someone is talking to me from the stall next door. There is something strange about this and it feels like a large invasion of privacy. Plus I don't even know this person, why should we already be such good friends that we pee together?!

AARRRGGG

Pure Frustration

I want to share with you all that I just got offered a free ticket to the South Africa vs England match tomorrow evening if I can get myself to Paris. But I can't. Unfortunately Television doesn't pay me enough each month to warrant dropping £350 on a ticket to Paris plus accommodation and food on top of that.

They are single handedly destroying my dreams.

Fakeships

Those of you who work in the media will know how fake and plastic the people can be in this truly lovely industry. In TV it can be even worse since you all work on contracts for as long as the show runs which can range between 1 - 5 months depending on your position. To add to this there are many over the top personalities grouped together in a really small environment; it is hectic and intense to say the least. However actually making a worthwhile friendship out of this is next to impossible.

What seems to happen is that you bond quickly with your team over deadlines, annoying creatives, stress and general chaos but none of these friendships are "real" per say. After the show has finished you never really hear from that person, unless of course it is to see if you have any work available for them.

Now I have a problem with this as I can't handle these "fakeships" as they can be truly exhausting. Within a week you know all the inner working details of your teams lives along with personal details I don't even know about my close friends back home! You end up spending 80% of your day with them till late into the night, you share how the job is slowly destroying your personal life and on Friday's you go out and get pissed together and take the mickey out of the creatives.

On my new job I'm finding it rather hard to get into this "fakeship" thing with my colleagues as I'm the last person to start. They've already covered everything and are giggling together, going off for lunch each day and regaling each other about their weekend activities. In fact two of my colleagues have even taken to spending weekends together now as if our working hours are not enough! Today they looked at me strangely because instead of gossiping in the cafeteria for lunch I wanted to sit in the park reading my book in the small gap of sunshine we had. Apparently I'm not making enough effort to make these two my new best friends. Why bother if it is only going to be for 3 months? Plus I feel so left out when I do join them for lunch because they've got this whole "fakeship" thing down pat and I really don't know how to break in to their rituals and jokes.

I miss my old team. I'm thinking I could phone them and meet them for lunch, but that could be breaking the rules of the "fakeships"

Overheard in the Elevator 2

Standing in the lift looking at an advertisement for the Rugby World Cup

Girl 1: You know rugby players are quite strange

Girl 2: Why?

Girl 1: Well they are quite gorgeous and all ...

Girl 2: Oh yes!

Girl 1: But they're all rugby, rugby, rugby, rugby

Miss M gets out at a random floor to dissolve into fits of giggles. What would you rather have them all about love? Shoes? Makeup?

I do love pretending to listen to my Ipod in the elevator

G.T.D.S.B.S Syndrome*

*GOING TO DO SOMETHING A BIT SILLY syndrome

I'm reading this fantastic book at the moment (check it out on What am I Reading) and I came across this lovely acronym. It really does aptly describe what my life entails of mostly. I go out, have a couple of drinks and then have a conversation in my head**

Miss M: Hmm ... wouldn't it be funny if I yanked that girls g-string which is hanging out of her trousers?

Inner Monologue: No I don't think she'd appreciate it

Miss M: Oh come on, it would be sooooooo funny!

Inner Monologue: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Miss M: Just one quick yank, she'll never know it was me (moves in closer)

Inner Monologue: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Miss M: Ah screw you!

**Not this is not THE constant conversation, I do not have an obsession with girls g-strings but I have had this one in my head

The end result is that I make a complete fool out of myself and retire home completely humiliated by my actions. I wish we could just avoid this syndrome completely but week after week, sober or drunk, we all end up doing something completely silly.

I wonder if Ashrita Furman of the US realised he was partaking in this syndrome when he decided to unicycle 85.5 kilometres BACKWARDS in the US on the 16th September 1994. Ok so he does have a Guinness World Record ... but isn't that just a bit silly?***

Or how about how when though my cellphone is right next to me at my desk, I haven't left my desk and the phone hasn't made a single noise I still feel the compulsion to double check that there are no messages or missed calls.

He still hasn't called. I think I might G.T.D.S.B.S

***It appears that he was trying to beat Akira Matsushima of Japan who unicycled a distance of 5,244 kms in 1992. Since he couldn't beat that he decided to do it backwards. HA TAKE THAT!

Worrying weekend

I am slightly perturbed as I think I possibly am turning into a man. Not visually of course but I suddenly realised what I did the whole weekend and who with and I am worried.

Friday saw me watching Argentina VS France (Bloody good game by the way) with The Amazing Madam Zelka, his girlfriend and their friend who was way too touchy feeling. I still felt slightly girly because I drank yummy cocktails out of fancy glasses (It's the small things I tell you)

Saturday was spent with Gem, her Lovely Boyfriend, FirePoiBoi and Fligela at a rock climbing centre. Now this was amazing and I really enjoyed it. I managed to climb a 13 metre high wall and only fell once! Of course being held up by The Lovely Boyfriend by a harness did help matters but Gem and I are completely addicted and looking forward to going again next weekend. In fact we've even gone so far as to look at buying climbing shoes and a harness!

Sunday I watched the rugby with the boys (GO SOUTH AFRICA) and then played poker with them late into the evening.

This is all rather worrying, why am I not out gossiping about men, buying clothing, painting my nails and bitching about other girls .... I suppose I see enough of that at work ....

Dress Code

Some of us have to adhere to a specific dress code at work but I am lucky and work in an environment where I can wear just about anything to work that I chose ... and unfortunately some people seem to take that a small step too far.

This morning I saw a gentleman standing in the reception of our office wearing (I am not joking) purple trousers, pink shirt, yellow tie and white trainers. He had carefully styled black hair and was wearing a pair of wire framed glasses. Now is there some sort of fashion memo that I missed out on where you're supposed to wear clashing colours or does he not have a mirror available? On my way from the tube I saw an absolutely beautiful woman looking as if she had just stepped out of a Moulin Rouge show; not if she hadn't been carrying a briefcase I might of thought she actually had ... J and I were having lunch last week and we actually saw a girl wearing a pair of trousers that could have been easily been mugged from Aladdin.

This appears to be the difference between the Production team and the Creative team; looking at my office this morning all of the Production staff are wearing no nonsense jeans and tops or skirts and tops with perhaps a couple of necklaces thrown in for good measure BUT the creatives!!! It is like cat walk high fashion going on. Are they competing? It's like their some sort of multi coloured peacocks strutting their stuff ... *sigh*

Miss M is glad that she is a Production team member, my version of getting dressed for work in the morning is to pull something from my wardrobe; sniff to make sure it is clean, eye herself in the mirror to make sure it is vaguely matching and then throw on some mascara and stumble at the door.

I think I missed the fashion memo growing up ....

Rules of Commuting

9) Please do not eat next to me. Early morning smells of fatty bacon sandwiches or you special breakfast is not tolerable and in the evenings I'm hungry enough already and desperate to get home and eat that I might just try and steal it.

Song Lyrics

MrsM has got Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry song stuck in her head - has anyone realised how stupid this song is?

"I'm going to miss you like a child misses their blanket"

?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

What other truly bad song lyrics can you think of? My personal favourite one is by 50 cents

"I love you like a fat kid loves cake"

haha. How romantic.

Rules of Commuting

There is this group on facebook called "I secretly want to punch slow walking people in the back of the head"; now for me this is not secretive. I mutter, hiss, throw my eyes around, glare and generally walk on the back of the heels of these slow people.

I mean REALLY! If you are travelling during rush hour commuting times in London please do NOT walk at a snails pace. Tourists should be banned from using the tube between the hours of 7-10am and 5-8pm during the week. They annoy me.

So from one girl who commutes that horrid route every day to all those others out there please can you obey these basic rules?

1) Do NOT stand on the left hand side of the escalator - this is reserved for the many of us who wish to walk up/down in order to get home as quick as possible

2) Coming to a standstill in front of the ticket turnstiles and then searching for your travel card whilst a queue forms behind you is not good protocol - PLEASE have it in hand before approaching the entrance/exit

3) When you do get to the front of the queue to buy your ticket please do not get confused with the money and argue with the ticket seller over the exchange rate/price. Quickly ask for you ticket, pay and leave.

4) Dragging wheelie suitcases behind you during rush hour is just stupid. And dangerous.

5) Yes we are all pressed up against each other but this is not an excuse to feel my arse.

6) Stand on either side of the door to allow people to exit as quick as possible. Do not block their exit or my entry as this just confuses things and I REALLY want to get home.

7) I do not want to talk to you. Mornings are not a happy place. Silence is golden.

8) When I sigh with frustration because of a delay on the track due to someone throwing themselves in front of the train please remember that this is because I encounter it way too often and not because I am a heartless bitch.

Be Proud

So today, at 1730pm, I finally removed Boy with Girlfriend from my MSN contacts. Yesterday I deleted his phone number from my phone along with all all of his emails.

Unfortunately I neglected to mention to him that I was doing this before I got rid of all the contacts for him but we'll see if he even notices that his "Other Woman" has disappeared.

*sigh*

Overheard in the Elevator

Boy1: Oh Frank I found the elf suit

Boy2: Fantastic

Boy1: Do you want to come up to the office and grab it later?

Boy2: Definitely. Roger will be so happy, he has a thing for elves

Boy1: (Getting out at his floor) Wicked, see you soon

Now one can only hope that this is a costume for a show and not his strange sex life!!!

Fun games on Public Transport

Has anyone ever played the "I'm sure I know you from somewhere" eye catching game? I had the entertaining joy of engaging in it last night on my commute home.

Gets onto her tube and notices a relatively good looking guy sitting a couple of seats away from her - decides to play the eye catching game

1) Initial first eye contact for about 3 seconds

Hmm ... I think I recognise him from somewhere

2) Quickly dart eyes back over and find him watching me

Oh shit I really do recognise him now where the hell is it from?

3) Attempt to surreptitiously let eyes wander back over to him and examine him without him seeing

BUGGER HE'S WATCHING ME NOW

4) One more attempt at looking at him

FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!! I snogged him a few months ago on a drunken night out!! What do I do?!!!

Now this is the entertaining part of the game; do you say hello or do you chicken out and get off at the next stop pretending like you live there?

I decided to take the chicken route; suspend all eye contact; stare out the window and then hurriedly get off at my stop praying that he doesn't live anywhere near me.

London sometimes can be too small

Just Wondering

So I stumbled across this article earlier, yes yes I know I have too much time on my hands but things haven't kicked off here yet, and I was wondering if anyone had any examples of workplace violence?

Hmm .. I wonder if me hitting The Director over the head with a blunt object would fit under that headline?

Meeting Men

Working in television has it's many perks but one of the downsides is that it is near to impossible to meet a man. Why is this you ask? Well the majority of them seem to be gay. I don't know if this is because you need to be a catty superior bitch to work in TV or if it is just because all creative and intelligent men are gay?

And if you are straight and happen to work in TV you are snapped up in record time because it really is such a rarity.

Christmas and Wrap parties are the worst; do you know how cringworthy it is watching a bunch of inebriated woman scan the crowd looking for a victim, be too drunk to realise or care that they are gay, and to rub themselves suggestively up against them. It leads to very amusing and embarrassing stories the next day when the photographs are brought out and they suddenly remember trying to shove their tongue down the blatantly obvious camp gay man.

So what does this leave me with; City Boys? Testosterone filled builders? Sleezy Sales men? Nerdy IT boys?

I think I might stick to hot gay men ...