Wednesday, 13 August 2008

A change of topic is needed

Isn't it funny that no matter how much you grow or change as a person one event or evening spent in the company of someone can make you feel as if nothing has ever changed?

My life really has changed dramatically in the past 3 and a half years. For starters I moved to London and managed to find my first job in TV - something quite a few people thought I'd never manage. I've learnt a lot about myself and have grown up considerably.

I can't really explain how I've changed but if you knew me in university and you knew me now you would definitely notice the extensive change.

One thing can always throw me back and off route though.

The German*.

The boy I dedicated almost 3 years of my life too. The boy who broke my heart numerous times. The boy who wouldn't commit to me for all those years in case someone better came along.

I was an emotional wreck for most of those years. So insecure and constantly battling in some way to keep his attention. His friends thought I was completely mad and most likely thought I was a pathetic idiot for actually being there.

The German would keep me around by every so often being this lovely, sweet, kind and caring boy who seemed to genuinely have emotions for me. But then the next week he'd be chasing some girl at work - when she rejected him he'd be back to me.

I don't know why I actually hung around. Perhaps because he beat my confidence to the ground - I was too fat, needed to lose weight, I was childish, I was loud, I didn't know what I was talking about - I didn't think I could get anyone else.**

Perhaps I was in love. The Queen of Melodrama (his best friend) thinks I was in love with him. I hope not. Doesn't say much for my choice in men.

I'd love to say that moving to London was my escape but somehow I ended up back there at the end of 2005 - the last time he broke my heart really was the worst for me. So now I have been 2 and a half years German free.

This week sees a visit of A Swan to London. I haven't seen him in a couple of years so it is wonderful but unfortunately his arrival heralds the German flying over to London to "party it up like old times".

I have to see him. I can't really avoid it. To prepare we've been having vague conversations on Google Talk which haven't been too bad. But I'm terrified to see him.

Not because I hate him. Not because I still care about him. But because I hate who I was when I was with him.

I don't ever want to see that girl again.

I'm going to be strong this weekend and I am going to banish her forever.

I suppose this is the final test.

*Yes this is the reason I can't stand Germans

**I would like to say for the record that The German can actually be a good guy. In fact he is a good guy by all accounts from his extensive group of friends. He was just an asshole to me.

15 comments:

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Wow Miss M...I think this post alone, shows how much you have grown and how you have found yourself! Most people never come to these conclusions and that's why their relationships become a bad pattern.
Well done you!
You're gorgeous, fearless, strong, amazing and talented! Hold your head up high!
The German, who? :-)
xxx

Mike said...

Also, the germans tried to take over the world twice.

Mark Eames said...

Go get em tiger!

Shivz said...

Lady... you will knock him to the ground with your confidence. And, sadly, because when it does come to women, he has been known to be a *leeeeeeeetle* bit shallow, he'll be loving the legs, arms and naturally cleavaaaaaage (YOU HAD BETTER WEAR A LOW CUT TOP)! But just be strong, as I know (not really from experience, but rather from observation) that it's harder to not fall back into the pattern than not... but if anything ever wavers... think of jailbait (just picture him topless... it would work for me!), think of me kicking your ass in december if you let him get to you and if all goes well... just have fun (I really hope for the last of the options to happen!).

kyknoord said...

Just don't mention the war.

Miss T said...

Just stay strong lassie and make sure you are never alone with him. You will be great!

boldly benny said...

Miss M I could really relate to this post. And this largely why I chose not to socialise with my ex - I didn't like who I was when I dated him. I think I've banished that gal and I prefer me now.
I'm quite happy with me.
You sound like you've come leaps and bounds. You're an amazingly strong and brave person to take the leap to London and set yourself up without the support and structures of your family!
Good for you - hold your head high ;-)

leez said...

I guess we all have our own versions f the German. Some of us have more than a few.

It just takes great courage and self growth to be able to out grow those people.

Well Done Miss M

sweets said...

well miss m i think you've become a woman since then and you've dusted the girly dust off your boots... kick his ass cause i think he's still the "boy" you remember... a real man doesn't act the way he does :)

The Divine Miss M said...

Aawwww fanks all you guys :)

@blondie - Ta hon, I'll be fine just wish I didn't havet o see him!

@mike - yes. damn those Germans.

@mark - ;)

@shivz - I have no desire for him to think I look good! He is actually in a very serious relationship at the moment and by all accounts is on the verge of proposing. Shocking hey? Can you imagine The German married?

@kyknoord - TWO WORLD WARS AND ONE WORLD CUP! :P

@miss t - There will be NO alone time. Plus Jailbait is coming to keep me safe :)

@benny - EXACTLY! Seeing him just reminds me of her and I so don't ever want her to come back!

@leez - ta sugar

@sweets - A woman? Moi? *happy smile*

Tay said...

Miss M, after reading your post I most certainly won't be responding to First Time Guy. You have just explained it all in perfect detail! Thanks :-) As for The German - You will amaze yourself when the time comes and be stronger than ever. Good luck!!!

Miss P said...

He's a twat. I dated him too remember? (For the information of those reading, Cape Town is not the sort of place where 'plenty of fish in the sea' applies. The dating pool is small). Twat.
And yes, we thought you were crazy, but never pathetic.
Its easy to revert to type, and its possible he will, and trigger the same responses in you. I find mild polite disdain to be particularly effective as a response. No one can say you were rude, but he will feel like the twat he is. *sniggers* I just LOVE doing that to ex's!

Shivz said...

proposing.... stopping looking at all available women as meat... excellent... the brave lady had done a service to all women-kind!!!!!

The Divine Miss M said...

@tay - Glad to hear hon and welcome :)

@miss p - Wahahahha. Twat. Yes. Twat indeed.

@shivs - and by all accounts she is a really nice girl too! What a shocker.

Miss Tig said...

You mean super twat.
TWAT is too nice.
I have nothing against the German personally but he treated you like a TWAT..
We all love you and we all made men mistakes too-you arent pathetic!!
Look at some of my delightful choices :-p
He missed out-he lost 3 yrs of his life-not you-you grew-and your gorgeous!!(something he misses by miles)
Sometimes it takes a special kind of twat to show you just how special YOU are...
and Miss P-you dated him too-nooooo
*sighs