Wednesday, 8 April 2009

All by myself ...

I love my friends.

I really do love them but sometimes I am just so jealous and envious of them and their serious relationships/marriage that I feel guilty for it.

It isn't that I want to be them or have their lives. I just want the support that they have.

Yes my friends are there for me. They listen to me and offer me their advice and support. They're my family and I wouldn't swap them for anyone. But at the end of the evening I go home.

Alone.

And the fear that I have at the moment doesn't vanish the moment I leave them. In fact as soon as I am by myself it increases tenfold.

And then there is no one there to hold me. There is no one there to wipe away my tears. There is no one there to talk to me until 3am in the morning about what I am going to do.

I'm doing this by myself.

No matter how they all say that they are there for me they just can't relate.

I don't have someone else who can pay rent for the month. If I run out of money there isn't someone else who can buy the weekly groceries and treat me to a drink to cheer me up. MY debt is just that, MY debt, and there isn't someone else there to help me clear it.

I wish I had the support that they have. No one wants a crying Miss M on the phone at midnight and I know that I can't really phone them every single time I am slowly losing it by myself.

I just wish I wasn't alone right now.

13 comments:

fallfromgrace said...

*Hugs* Sweetie, I totally know how it is. Its frightening and upsetting and depressing and I'm right there with you now.

We have to have faith though, that things will work out, that we can do it. From reading your blog your a pretty awesome gal, so wipe those tears, hold your head up high and put on a fab pair of heels.

You'll get there, you'll see :-)

The Divine Miss M said...

Thanks Princess Gracie :)

I'm trying. I'm trying to hold it together over here!

arkwife said...

Awe....I wish I was there to give you a real hug. Even though I am married, I can relate because of what my hubby does for a living and because of past experiences. Its horrible being that lonely...but you will pull through, your basic survival skill will make sure of it! Praying for you lady!! *hugs*

Claire said...

REPEAT AFTER ME: I, Leigh, have been wathcing too much One Tree Hill and have somehow convinced myself that I need SOMEONE. Chicky; put on your big girl panties and wear them with pride.

Ya sure; its nice to have someone. But its also RAD to be 100% independant and 1000% in charge of your own destiny. YOU can decide where you want to work next - it can be in London; Cape Town or a beach bar in Brazil. YOU have nobody's else's job; family; health; money commitments to worry about.

Don't get me wrong - I love Fish - but when he was away on the cruise ships for 2 years; it was just as amazing as it was hard.

YOU are in control of where you want your life to take you - and trust me; sometimes people would trade the comfort of having someone - and wou;d rather be able to make decision about their lives without taking in account someone else's debt; family issues; work things etc.

SO ENJOY IT CHICKY - you are in such a great space. The doors to your new future have opened and NOTHING; NO ONE is stopping you from taking which ever path you want. and to me; I'd rather have that than a free beer in a pub.

kyknoord said...

Ja, I know what you mean. Phoning random strangers doesn't help either.

The Divine Miss M said...

@arkwife - keep on with that praying :)

@claire - wow honey, thanks for the kind words. I think you might be right with the One Tree Hill incident. They are way too happy and shiny sometimes.

You're right. I need to start looking at this in a very positive light. I can change my career, I can go where I want too, I can live my life HOW I want too without worrying about someone else!

Thanks :)

@kyknoord - no, they tend to threaten to call the cops on me. it is sad.

livingladolcevita said...

But you get to eat biscuits in bed and fart at leisure! ;)

Annie Valentine said...

I'm going to make you feel way better here. My husband has never, ever talked to me until three a.m.. even when I desperately needed it. Heck, he can't even stay up until ten-thirty to make me feel better. You don't need a man, you need a couple of good girlfriends (which you've totally got).

My best advice is old fashioned and regularly disregarded, but to be quite frank, pray about it. You'll feel so much better (because He always listens).

Miss T said...

lass...trust me nothing beats your girlfriends. I just spent the weekend with Leprecaun and Welsh and nobody listens to you and sticks through the crappy times like your friends.

I'd be lost without them....cry on their shoulders and cry on ours.

Mike said...

The plus side of being single is you don't have to deal with anyone elses shit.

Or if someone else gives you shit, you can just go home.

The Divine Miss M said...

@dolce - and the farting is fun ;)

@annie - thanks for the thoughts hon, please do some for me if you think it will work!

@miss t - I will take you up on that shoulder ... but you're right, good girlfriends are the best

@mike - there are always two sides aren't they? Funny i've never thought of it that way!

sugar007 said...

Just read your post and have to say I was like, 'I am not alone' but I think you wouldn't feel like this forever, with these sort of things they are transit and usually seem worse when we are having a hard time but like I tell myself to make myself better, 'It is not my time now, just not yet'...

The Divine Miss M said...

Thanks sugar :) Wise words honey :)