Suicide Workers

Phone conversation

Colleague: I'm looking for a grenade.

Colleague: Yes, the type that would be used over in Iraq or Afghanistan.

Colleague: Great. Would it be possible for me to buy one?

Well I'm worried.

Who else thinks that she might be attempting to blow up the office due to the high stress environment that we work in?

I might sometimes hate my job - but not THAT much!

I am though sorry to disappoint but she is in fact sourcing props for reconstruction shoot we are doing next week - but I did find it a classic conversation to eavesdrop on!

Update on the email mad colleague:

We have spoken very little vocally today and I unfortunately have now gotten into this whole emailing thing.

Yes people over 2 days I have gotten into the swing of it and am now emailing EVERYONE about EVERYTHING. Colleague and I are even sharing personal giggles over email instead of turning around and talking too each other.

Granted the one time we did actually talk to each other today about something - in whispered tones - the Series Producer came over to find out what was wrong.

So maybe email is the way to go?

Emailed received a minute ago

It’s nuts – I literally haven’t stopped typing all day! Like a reconstruction call centre ha ha! x

At least she knows her downfalls?

It's a zoo

I went out for lunch with my old colleague from last years show on Friday. It was actually really nice. We don't hang out regularly but when we do I remember how much fun it is to work with people that you really get along with.

Neither her nor I take our jobs very seriously. We are both utterly convinced that a trained monkey could do our job for us and no one would know the difference. We were in stitches over this at lunch.

Colleague: So they want to film over my Glastonbury period. I've said I already requested that time off and have bought tickets and organised everything already so I have to go.

Miss M: So go, I'm sure they can survive without you

Colleague: I know, I'll bring in a monkey to replace me. A trained one could do this job!

Miss M: Even better, bring in a wild one! That'll really spice up the office

Colleague: Laughs Can you imagine? I'd phone in to check that everything is fine and they'd be like "oh yes, you're replacement is doing a sterling job" meanwhile it will be jumping up and down on the chair, screeching, waves it's arms about and smashing the computer.

Miss M: Hey it'll fit right in!

Both of us cackle with laughter

Miss M: Just imagine if it started flinging it's shit around!

Colleague: Noooooooooooooo! Bet you it still would do a sterling job though.

Miss M: Yup, no one would notice that you were gone would they?

In all serious though I do sometimes believe that a trained monkey could do our jobs.

Our other colleague, who works as a Researcher on the creative side, spent a week on location washing up dishes for a high profile television chef.

He spent 3 years in University and got a degree to wash dishes?

This industry really does take the piss sometimes.

I'm not in the most positive mood this morning.

Beep Miss M doesn't work here anymore

Do you know what frustrates me about being at the same company for long periods of time? It is the fact that nothing ever fully disappears and it is constantly coming back to bite you in the arse.

The show that I was working on last year between August and December has been hassling me for the past couple of days. But I mean it isn't even for anything serious, it is for stupid small things that other people messed up and now are bringing back to blame on me.

Phone rings

Miss M: Hello Miss M speaking

New Person: Hi Miss M, (Line Producer) told me to give you a shout. She was just wondering if you could remember the people you sent out the DVD box set to last year?

Miss M: Panicked pause - I'm supposed to remember this shit?? Hi, I'm not 100% certain I'll take a look to see if I made a list

New Person: That would be fab!

Yes because I definitely made a list of something that I did in December last year!!! I'm not THAT organised people!

Next favourite mission

Email pings into my mailbox

Hey hey hey Miss M

Boring work question - do you know where the key to the wardrobe cupboard for (name of last years show) is? (Line Manager) is asking for it


hey hey hey hey hey Fellow Co-ordinator

You've got to be kidding right? Last time I saw that was last year in December when I finished working and handed everything over to you and (other colleague). Perhaps we could break in?

Gar this show is going to drive me mental. I think that I get bothered about once a week regarding things I have no recollection of.

I mean I can barely remember last week let alone 5/6 months ago??!?!?!!?

See if I moved on to another company I wouldn't have to deal with this. They wouldn't track me down.

P.s: He has really pretty lips. I keep watching them when he talks. This could get dangerous. He's promised to find me apple lucozade before he moves down into the Edit on Monday because I am obsessed with the stuff.

Work being too close to home

I had a disturbing moment this evening on my way home from work.

I discovered that a work colleague from my floor literally lives around the corner from me. We smiled at each other on the train, we laughed at the bus stop and then had a chat about the area on the bus route - we both found it strange when we got off at the same stop and then we realised that we live about a 3 minute walk from each other.

In theory there is nothing wrong with that.

But it completely destroys those moments that I use the public transport as an excuse for my inability to get to work on time.

Day 1

Miss M: Sorry there were bad delays on my train this morning

Day 2

Miss M: The station was shut due to over crowding this morning

Day 3

Miss M: Someone got ill on the train and we were held up for 30 minutes

Day 4

Miss M: Stupid trains, they are always delayed!

So yes, if she overhears me say this she'll know I'm lying!

Oh no paranoia is kicking in now!

Plus if I ever pull a sickie now I'll be nervous about going out in Wombletown in case I run into her.

The unreliable London public transport has always been the best excuse for an extra lie in with a hangover or the general lack of desire to leave your warm bed.

Damn. Foiled again.

Meet me in the bathroom in 10!

I don't know what was in the water today at my office but I managed to stumble upon 3 meetings between superiors in the some of the most strange places ever. Places where I thought they couldn't possibly actually be having a meeting but apparently they really were.

Meeting 1

So I got to the elevator lobby and discovered the Financial Director and an Executive Producer discussing some new deal they were setting up. It was weird and awkward. I needed an elevator and there were none in sight and they kept looking at me like I shouldn't be there. I felt as if I should leave but I really needed an elevator, but they kept looking at me. I kind of felt like we were about to enter a Western standoff but then thankfully the ping of the elevator was my savior and I escape that awkward situation.

Meeting 2

I already have issues going to the toilet when there are other people in the stalls - I don't know I think I get stage fright or something - but today really pushed it to the limit. I went into the toilet, entered the cubicle and was about to "do my business" when two people enter the bathroom and start discussing a development idea that they are hoping to get commissioned. Now I'm trying to pee without them realising I'm actually peeing - seriously do NOT like other people hearing me pee! And they do not seem to departing the bathroom anytime soon. Worst part is as soon as I realise that they can hear me pee I am incapable of going to the toilet. Then after being in the stall in complete silence I have to come out, wash my hands and excuse myself. How embarrassing.

Meeting 3

Sometimes I use the fire escape stairs if I only need to go down a floor or two and today was no exception. Except this time I encounter the Director of Factual and Entertainment and another colleague having a furtive conversation in the stairwell. I come in, they stop and stare at me. I walk down 3 flights of stairs and that whole time they do not talk to each other. I leave and I'm pretty certain that they continued talking. I wonder what they were discussing ... It was like a mini drug deal or something!

What is the strangest place you've ever had a meeting or encountered other people having a meeting in?